It's the end of one year and the beginning of the next. This is a great opportunity to think about deep, essential matters. What I want to talk to you about is how important it can become to have people believe we are what we want them to, and how realizing it's actually not so important unlocks a new world of possibilities.
I’ve always loved to sit and reflect on the experiences of my life. With a humble heart, I can say that I’ve encountered fascinating stories and met incredibly successful people from many different professions and walks of life.
So many people I talk to about self-improvement feel they want to be happy but can't achieve it consistently. I'm not sure happiness is a worthy goal in and of itself; it's best when it's seen as the result of great actions and decisions. And so maybe that's the reason it's something so many unhappy people have told me.
I’ve observed a recurring pattern for people who think this way: deep down, there is a story or image of themselves that they need others to see and acknowledge, no matter the situation, whether they realize it or not. Their actions are, consciously or not, rooted in fantasies of how they imagine others might or should perceive them. Their goal in a given situation becomes split: they mean to be working toward something, but they are spending a lot of energy on positioning themselves to be seen a certain way.
I understand this very well, and it's something I've worked on for many years. This, to me, is a permanently disappointing way to seek motivation or to orient yourself; it will never work how you want it to. When your actions are driven by what others might think or say about you, it's not even about other people, it's about a story or image of ourselves we have come to believe others need to believe or see. Why would you need that?
The answer is usually that there’s something you are trying to convince yourself of. Usually, it's needless in the first place: people already have an accurate idea of who you are, and it's probably what it needs to be.
For those who are always actively campaigning and cutting people in and out of their lives based on whether they validate you or not, the issue is that they are trying to convince themselves of something that isn’t true, and they're doing it by convincing others. Sadly, you yourself will never believe what you've worked hard to convince others of. You'll always remember the effort it took to convince them.
You may be savvy, but if you find yourself constantly angling to have others notice your world-class savviness, it’s probably because deep down, you know you’re a mere mortal rather than a celebrity mogul. You may love your family, but if you need people to believe you're the driving force behind a perfect, loving family, you need to ask yourself why. After all, no one else's family is perfect.
We’ve talked a lot over the last few years about how being awash in a culture of celebrities and narratives puts pressure on everyone to compare themselves to these people. But the only reason so many feel that way about celebrities is their public relations teams. The only way you will get people to feel that way is also to do public relations. The problem is that there are very few relationships you won’t ruin for yourself that way. And it’s a disaster in business.
And it’s a precarious approach to finding happiness and self-love. After years of spinning everything they do and say, they lose sight of what’s truly significant and meaningful to them. Their actions become disconnected from their highest values and core beliefs.
I always encourage people in my life to discover how they create value for others and focus on doing more of that. We talk about finding their unique genius. For over 25 years, I’ve used a daily affirmation: “I do what I love, and I love what I do.” It goes a long way to keeping me positive and purposeful. I’ve trained myself to embrace a deeper purpose: have an impact and make a difference.
This perspective keeps me grounded and truly makes me smile. I’ve come to accept that not everyone’s view of me will be positive. That’s okay.
But being active, making an impact, and making a difference will be there as real, undeniable proof of who I am and what I'm made of. No PR required. Not that you won't have to remind others of your value from time to time.
As a coach, I see so much time and energy wasted on worrying about others’ opinions. I see leaders making critical decisions—such as hiring—based on how these choices reflect on their self-image. When they fall short of their goals, they often justify the results by clinging to the idea that they’ve upheld their image.
Eventually, many of them realize they’ve been striving to maintain a narrative about themselves at the cost of achieving their company’s goals and fulfilling their obligations to employees and investors.
In a recent article, I wrote about the importance of staying coachable and fostering a coaching culture. This is where great leaders take notice. The solution to these challenges is straightforward but elusive to those who believe they are the smartest person in the room.
The greatest leaders don’t need credit for everything. Companies built to last are led by individuals who celebrate both individual and team successes and create cultures that attract top talent. Great leadership comes from those who are passionate about a bigger purpose and take joy in having a positive impact. These leaders—grounded in their mission and values—cultivate a genuine, positive image of themselves and their companies. They don’t waste their energy worrying about others’ opinions or convincing people who they should see them as.
As we think about this across leadership and relationships, a common thread emerges: the danger of letting our need for validation take precedence over connection and sincerity and substance. Whether it’s a leader prioritizing being the smartest person in the room, or a friend or partner needing constant validation, the result is the same—a shallow and unsatisfying dynamic that leaves little room for real connection or growth. True success in leadership and life comes from a willingness to step out of our self-created stories and let authenticity guide us.
When leaders prioritize being seen as the smartest person in the room, they sidestep the most important growth challenge of leadership: knowing you’re the leader and building a team that is smarter and far more capable than a group of copies of yourself—or worse, people who are happy to make you feel smart regardless of your performance. True leadership requires fostering an environment where many gifts and talents and strengths can flourish and contribute to shared success.
This principle extends beyond leadership to personal relationships. Couples and friendships suffer when one or both individuals have self-images that demand constant maintenance at the expense of sincere connection. It’s unrealistic to agree with every idea a friend has, just as it’s unfair to expect a spouse to always reinforce your self-image when genuine, loving feedback is needed. Prioritizing authenticity over ego leads to deeper, more meaningful relationships. And making relationships about the special connection between two people is the only way to make them fulfilling. When we use them—even though we almost never consciously intend to—as a means to an end, they feel empty and shallow. As a result, we wander through our lives feeling malnourished and lost.
It's the end of the year and the beginning of a new one. The most important thing I can say to those I coach and care about is that, fundamentally, people already see us for who we are. Those who notice may see the way we see ourselves, those who have incentives may support the stories we tell about ourselves, but these are additional layers.
Know who you are, know what your values are, have a vision of what you want to accomplish, and work at it. Don't spend too much time or energy promoting an image or story about yourself. It's easy to overdo. And, much more magically, there is a power and strength in being present in your relationships unguarded by your public relations efforts. Like so many things we talk about, that approach may have got you to where you are, but it isn't the approach that will make your life one you're happy to have.
You're doing great. People understand this as well as they need to. Don't waste time trying to be seen how you hope you will after you've achieved your goals. The person you are as you strive toward them is much more interesting.
May 2025 be your best year yet!
Dave