What's the secret, bigshot?
On a pretty regular basis, someone comes to me after a talk or a coaching session and asks, in so many words, "Ok, bigshot — you're so successful, tell me the secret."
The secret to success. The secret to happiness. The secret to having the agency to create the life you want. Whatever the case, they'd like to leave with something clear and usable. Or maybe they want to see how I answer so they can decide if what they just heard was as good as they thought it was. Sometimes I get that sense.
There's always a certain challenge in the question — sometimes playful, sometimes less so. But I like getting it.
What's behind the question
It's always exciting. I'll bet my pupils dilate. I feel like it's a direct chance to make a difference for someone — a chance to knock them off the fence so many people sit on: is it possible for me, or isn't it? I take it as an interaction with real stakes. I could tip someone toward believing they can direct their life by directing their development — or I could tip them the other way.
Because to me, someone who makes the effort to move through the crowd and wait to talk to me is actually confronting themselves. While they were sitting there, they were inspired by what they heard — or, more powerfully, by the thoughts they had while listening. But they also have a habitual voice that says don't believe it. Don't believe you can change. That's who they're really confronting with this question. Some part of them is ready to stop listening to that voice. They're confronting me as a proxy for confronting it.
When I've asked if this is true — if they were at a crossroads, wanting to be knocked off their perch — the answer is always yes. I don't ask every time. And I'm willing to admit that the "high stakes" I feel may be a projection of my passion for making a difference. But I don't think it is.
How I answer
I always get a sense of the person and their situation before choosing what to say, but over the years there's been a clear pattern. One of my most common answers to "what's the secret?" is something I've shared a lot: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
I learned it from Jim Rohn. I’m not sure where he learned it, but there’s been wisdom about being mindful of the company you keep forever. I’ve shared it many times, including here. And now, as with so many things I value and believe, I've come to a new understanding of it, one that has to do with how social pressure changes as you develop and mature, and something about what your energy around people might be telling you.
How I used to think about it
If you're like me, "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with" landed the first time you heard it. Even if you quibble over the notion of actually being the average of other people, there's something true about it.
The common interpretation—and a common reason I'd share it—is that it encourages someone to look at their social network as a vital element in ongoing development. It's like telling someone who's trying not to drink to spend more time with people who don't: our motivations and commitments are socially reinforced. And because social reinforcement is one of the most powerful forces in human life, you'll be more successful in living intentionally—however you've decided to live—if you make social pressure a tailwind, not a distraction or a diffuser.
When you're trying to be intentional and purposeful, why make it harder? Spend more time with people who are either intentional and purposeful themselves — or who bring it out in you. People who challenge you to be your best, inspire you to reach, give you ideas, support, or advice, and help you stay energized by sharing interests, values, and goals.
Relationships are the best things in life. This isn't about excommunicating anyone who isn't an entrepreneur or who doesn't want to hear about your goals. It's not about excluding people at all. It's about being aware and intentional about the social pressures around you — and making sure you're building a personal community that reflects where you're going as much as it already reflects where you are and where you come from.
There's also real value in spending time with people who take you in a different direction. New perspectives. A wider imagination. And if you think back, you can probably remember relationships that were part of a transition — people you grew apart from when one of you changed, moved, or simply had nothing more to show each other.
Maturity changes the equation
As people reach midlife, time becomes a factor in a whole new way. There are fewer tomorrows than yesterdays — and if there's anything you'd like to do, you'll need a sense of urgency.
Sometimes this is energizing. It shakes you out of the feeling of being on a long march, living the same day over and over. And whether it arrives quietly or suddenly, it often brings a powerful call: to do more, do different things, finish unfinished business, see places you've always been curious about, know yourself differently, know others differently.
All of this changes the relationships we're interested in having.
And as we move through this reorientation, something else shifts too: social pressure, that powerful force that once shaped so much of how we lived, begins to loosen its grip. The need for external reinforcement fades.
What rises in its place is something more internal, more earned: a clearer sense of who you are and what you actually want. Carl Jung called this individuation — the process of becoming more fully yourself.
When that happens, the old way of thinking about the "average of five" changes. You're no longer trying to find people to hold you accountable to goals you're still figuring out. You’re no longer looking for healthy pressure to accomplish or become something. You’re at a new place of your development. You’ve become yourself. Now you’d like to find people with whom you can show up fully as yourself and be the person you’ve spent your whole life working toward becoming.
Presence requires the right company
One of my core philosophies is simple: wherever you are, be there. Be present. It sounds easy. In practice, for most people, it isn't.
When I'm with the right people, I want to be there. So, presence comes naturally. The conversation pulls me in, time disappears, I'm fully there.
When I'm not with the right people, it’s easy to mentally go somewhere else. That matters more than most people realize. If you can't be present, you can't have impact. You can't connect. You're going through the motions, “getting through it,” and both of you know it. You're not being a true reflection of who you are, and frankly, you're not doing the other person any favors either.
So the question worth asking isn't just “who are your five?” It’s, “are you really showing up for the people who value you?”
Batteries included
As I've gotten older, my filter has sharpened. Maybe I've lost some of the social patience I used to have. But I think what's really happened is I've gotten more honest with myself. More than ever, I want to be around people who have batteries included: people who bring their energy and curiosity into a room, rather than needing mine. Adding to the net energy in the room, not draining it.
In particular, I have no interest in spending time around Happy Talkers, one-uppers, people who have every answer before they've heard the question, or those who perform enthusiasm without actually feeling it.
I've written about these qualities for years but I’m more focused on it now. And I use this thinking looking at it the other way around, too. It’s part of how I look at my relationships now: am I engaged and bringing energy to this, or am I just not engaged enough to be anything but a warm body or even a drain? I don't want to be that person either.
One of my highest values is congruence, to be who I say I am, I’m not trying to convince people with words, but to prove who I am through my actions and attitudes. If I want to be in your top five, I have to earn that. I take that seriously.
The phone filter
When your phone rings and you see a name on the screen, what happens? Are you glad? Do you pick up immediately? Or do you start calculating how to avoid it?
I only give my number to people I’ll be genuinely excited to hear from, people whose calls I want to take. And I work hard to make sure that when my name shows up on their screen, they feel the same way about me.
That gut-level, immediate reaction is a real measuring stick. It works in person, too. When you're in a meeting, at a dinner, in a team conversation, pay attention to whether you're present or whether you're mentally somewhere else entirely, wishing you were playing a different game. If it's the latter, it's worth getting honest about why.
A few things worth saying clearly
Your five is bigger than five.When I talk about the qualities I want in my closest relationships, I'm not talking about having a tight, exclusive list. I have many more than 5 relationships that carry the qualities we’re looking for. But also, when the moment calls for circling the wagons, you do want to know exactly who you want in that circle.
Your people don't have to be their people. If you have a partner or spouse, don't assume the people you want in your top five will automatically be theirs. That conversation is worth having with honesty and without pressure. Forcing a fit here creates distance rather than closeness.
Shared values matter more than shared opinions. I've written before about not imposing our beliefs on others, and I mean it. Perfect alignment in any relationship isn't the goal. Difference expands your experience. What you're looking for isn't a mirror. You're looking for people whose character, energy, and integrity you genuinely respect.
Honest inventory
If your personal or professional relationships feel like the wrong kind of work, that's worth sitting with. If you keep attracting the same kinds of people and getting the same results, holding on to relationships that no longer fit, or in some that are quietly unhealthy, take inventory. Tell yourself the truth. It will be uncomfortable, but not unbearable, as most things that make you stretch and grow tend to be.
You don’t have forever
We get one shot at being who we want to be. That choice comes with real requirements: the habits, the discipline, the willingness to go the extra mile, to listen deeply, to be consistent and genuine and interested in others. Do that work, and the right people tend to find you. They recognize it.
I understand the urgency of this differently than I did when I was younger. Losing my daughter Jennifer last year made it visceral. It stripped away the last of my patience for waiting until tomorrow, for living in yesterday's excuses or tomorrow's stories. What we have is today. Being present and purposeful today is how you get to fully live the life you have left to live.
And I hope every time your phone rings, you feel like you can't pick it up fast enough.
Questions, thoughts, reactions? I'd love to hear from you.
Thanks a billion,
Dave